A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for a chapstick. The pharmacists says, "Will this be cash or charge?" The duck says, "Put it on my bill."

A doctor and a lawyer are hiking in a remote forest when they come upon a furocious bear. The lawyer removes his backpack. The doctor says, "What are you doing? You'll never be able to outrun the bear." The lawyer says, "I won't need to outrun the bear, I'll only need to run faster than you."

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A truck driver is sitting in a diner eating a meal at the counter. In through the door walk three burly motorcyclists looking like Viking warriors. The cyclists decide it would be fun to harass the trucker. They spill his coffee and pour his orange juice onto his plate of scrambled eggs. The trucker quitely gets up from his seat and walks out the door. One of the cyclists turns to the waitress and says,"That guy sure wasn't much of a fighter, was he?" The waitress who had been holding a window curtain to the side to watch the trucker leave replied, "He isn't much of a driver either. He just drove his 18 wheeler over three motorcycles."

What goes clippity-clop clippity-clop bang, clippity-clop clippity-clop bang?

How do you know when a lawyer is lying?

Why did it take six boy scouts to help the little old lady cross the street?

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
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Two men placed their orders at a restaurant. The waiter asked what they would like to drink. The first man ordered a glass of milk. The second man said, "I'll have milk also and make sure the glass is clean."
 A few minutes later the waiter returned with two glasses of milk on a tray. The waiter said,"Now, which one of you asked for the clean glass?"

I live in a rough neighborhood. When someone leaves the building, no one says goodbye. They say good luck.

I know a couple who have 5 kids, 2 dogs and a cat. Last year their house was vandalized three times before they discovered it.

My brother was upset the first time he got the "Windows has performed an illegal operation"error message. He thought he might have to pay a fine or something.
adapted from Joe Lavin's Humor Column

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

What's grey, has four legs, a tail, a trunk, but is only an inch tall?

A know-it-all engineer was seated next to a lawyer on a plane. The lawyer says to the engineer, "I'll ask you a question. If you don't know the answer you pay me $50. Then you ask me a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5. The engineer agreed. The lawyer said, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The engineer thought about the question for 20 minutes but could not think of a solution. He got out his wallet and paid the lawyer $50. The engineer says, "Okay. What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The lawyer did not say a word but got out his wallet and handed $5 to the engineer.

What has 4 legs and an arm?
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Just think of how far we've come. Probably the first fly swatters weren't much more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a stick-like handle.

While we were driving we saw a sign that said, "Watch for rocks". My wife said it should say "Watch for pretty rocks". I started to say that maybe she should send in that suggestion to the highway department but she quickly said that she was just joking. Man, I thought I was lazy - but lying like that just to get out of writing a simple, short letter?

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em', cause, man, they're gone.

Mr. DuwahDitty Everybody's smart. It's just that each person is smart about different things. And we often don't recognize smart when we see it.

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